Table of Contents
These are some notes and takeaways from the book “How to Make Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.
How to Interact with People
Don’t Criticize
Criticism such as “don’t do XYZ” or “you’re terrible at XYZ” can make people become defensive and won’t make someone do or become something you want. Instead, try to think from the other person’s perspective and be more understanding of their sitation. Instead of criticizing or condemning their behavior right off the bat, first understand why they did what they did and be forgiving. “Hurting people doesn’t change them.”
Show Genuine Appreciation
People yearn for appreciation and feeling important. Giving positive reinforcement makes people want to continue doing what they do well and makes them want to improve. Showing appreciation makes people feel seen and important, which can spark opportunities for developing relationships.
Evoke a Want in the other person
If you want someone to do something, don’t just think about why YOU want them to do it, think about why THEY would want to do it. For example, if you want to play basketball with friends, don’t just think about why you want to play basketball. Saying that you think basketball is fun and you want someone to play with might not convince your friends to play with you. However, by thinking about why they might want to play basketball with you like getting exercise or showing how fun it is will make them more eager to play basketball. Another example is if your kid doesn’t want to go to kindergarten, instead of saying “you have no choice, you must go,” invoke a want in the kid to want to go to kindergarten based on what they might want. One way to do this could be to start fingerpainting and show the kid how fun it is to fingerpaint. Then, you can tell the kid that fingerpainting is something you learn in kindergarten. This might make the kid more excited to go to kindergarten.
How to Make Friends
Be Genuinely Interested in People
Be interested in other people instead of trying to be interesting to people. “If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness,” writes Carnegie. Being interested in what people have to say and being thoughtful of other people’s needs can affect people in meaningful ways.
Smile
This creates a great first impression and can bring a spark of happiness to those around you.
Remember and Use People’s Names
Remembering people’s names shows that you cared enough to remember and saying their name makes the interaction more personal and close.
Actionable Items
As a way to keep myself accountable and transform these concepts to actionable, tangible ways to improve, I’ll add some of things I’ve tried and ways I hope to improve the way I interact with others:
- Smiling! Showing that you’re happy to see someone or do something is infectious. It is a positive way to start an interaction with others.
- Showing genuine interest in others and being curious. I am constantly working on how to dissect and truly listen when others speak to ask engaging questions and show a genuine curiosity in them.
- Remembering other people’s names and what people have said. My memory is pretty terrible but putting in the effort to remember (such as writing down notes after a conversation or repeating an important piece of imformation to yourself over and over to remember it) can be a pleasant surprise when you bring up what someone has previously said.
- Bringing the “yes, and” mindset to all interactions. Instead of putting down someone else’s ideas or opinions, try to move the conversation towards “yes, and.” This might include asking why they think that way or asking them to expand on their thought even if you might not agree with it. Try to understand how others think; this isn’t the same as agreeing with them and might even lead to more interesting conversation.